Patiently Parenting

Growing up I got in trouble a lot...and I mean a lot! I probably wasn't the best of kids, so sorry mom and dad! I don't know about you guys but I was always pushing the limits in our house and breaking the rules.  Even with me constantly angering my parents they were almost always loving.  I rarely ever remember getting "punished".  Some might hear this and think "in order to get a child to behave well you need to punish them".  Well, that couldn't be further from the truth. I think if we change one word it there it would be extremely accurate.  So how about this..." in order to get a child to behave well you need to discipline them".  Some might still think that that is the same thing, but it's not.  Punishment and discipline are very much two different concepts.

Layne E. and Jana Squires Flake talked about this concept in the 1983 article Punishment or Discipline.  In this article that said:

"Punishment calls for “retributive suffering.” But discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects.” Punishment is directed at the child himself. Discipline is directed more at the objectionable behavior of the child; it is something we do for our children, not to them."

To establish love, respect, and harmony in a home, we must be an example to others in our home.  This is especially true for children. Children follow and do what they know and see.  If they see anger and yelling (characteristic associated with punishment), their behavior will reflect these things.  However, if they see misbehavior matched with love and respect from their parent it is likely they will take on these attributes. On Positive Parenting's website, they discuss how discipline and punishment are not the same. In this article, they said:

"Punishment causes children to focus their attention and anger toward an “unfair” adult rather than on learning to be responsible for their own actions. Violence perpetuates violence. In a recent landmark study, 41% of parents believed that a child should be spanked for hitting."

I am not saying I am completely against spanking, but it should be done properly and appropriately. I do believe, however, that matching a child's anger with anger is not teaching them how to over a problem calmly.  It instead is confusing for the child, why is it okay for adults to yell and be angry but not a child? 

Lynn G. Robbins gave a talk in April 2011 called: What Manner Of Men and Women Ought Ye Be?.  In this talk, he discusses the topic of discipline saying:

"Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple and implies patience and teaching on our part. It should not be done in anger. [...] Through discipline the child learns of consequences. In such moments it is helpful to turn negatives into positives. If the child confesses to a wrong, praise the courage it took to confess. Ask the child what he or she learned from the mistake or misdeed, which gives you, and more important, the Spirit an opportunity to touch and teach the child."

Discipline requires patience understanding, whereas punishment rushes into consequences.  when angry or upset it can be difficult to make judgment calls on consequences. Punishment can also be something a superior does to an inferior to gain control of that inferior.  By my parents taking the time to show love and concern for me and what I was going through they we able to effectively discipline me.  They also provided the necessary appropriate consequences but all while not instituting 'suffering' to me, their child.   

"F" is for...

In the world of parenting, some tend to think that most things are left to the mothers.  Mothers are the ones to teach their children, this could be how to walk, talk, behave, love, and so much more.  This is true but some forget about the fathers.  They can be seen as the ones who provide financially and only provide financially.  When in reality fathers provide so much more to a child's life than just money.

So what do fathers do? To answer this question lets travel back in time to 1999 when (in my opinion) the best episode of Spongebob aired on television. In this episode, Spongebob does an amazing performance of the FUN song.  However, the lyrics can be changed to form new meanings.  Plankton did it so I thought I'd give it a try.

""F" is for Fathers who do things together.  "U" is for U and me.  "N" is for Nurturing and providing all the necessities.  

How did I do? (I know, I probably shouldn't try out any songwriting careers).  Either way, the content is still important.

First, fathers who do things together.  Wholesome family recreation can lead to building strong families and relationships.  Mark A. Widmer and Stacy T. Taniguchi wrote the following: "Wholesome family recreation can help us to strengthen our relationships and reduce negative emotional and spiritual consequences.  Wholesome recreation strengthens families."  Doing things together as a family will help you to learn more about each other and to have fun as well.  Widmer and Taniguchi also said, "meaningful recreation does not just happen; it must be prepared for, cultivated, and privately defended."  When fathers make the effort to plan these activities it can actually have a great influence on the children.  This is because it is showing leadership.  In a video called Today's Family: Fathers they stated: "Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has been so and always will be so. Fathers, with the assistance of counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home."  Fathers are to preside or to be in a position of authority, over the family, with the assistance of their spouse. By presiding and leading wholesome family activities, fathers are helping raise well-developed children. 

Second, you and me.  Fathers should create a relationship between each of their children.  Howard W. Hunter spoke on this in a talk called Being a Righteous Husband and Father.  In this talk he said:

" Earn the respect and confidence of your children through your loving relationship with them. A righteous father protects his children with his time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities. Tender expressions of love and affection toward children are as much the responsibility of the father as the mother. Tell your children you love them."

Just as we have to earn the confidence and respect from others, we have to do the same with children.  Also, to help build the relationship between you and your child, protect them in all aspects.  When you protect the time you have with them, you are showing you care. 

Third, nurturing and providing necessities.  Most think of nurturing as something just for mothers.  However, this assumption is false.  Nurturing is a behavior that expresses caring. The purpose of a nurturing father is given in an article by Josh McCumber on the National Fatherhood Initiative website. McCumber says:

 "The overall purpose of nurturing is not just to do but to connect in the moment. When engaging in nurturing behavior (i.e. express caring, give attention, train, or provide) the intention is to build a strong bond with a spouse or child. By investing in them, they will become more invested in me. That bond gives fathers credibility and transforms us into better men, better fathers. "

All three of these have one underlying similarity, building a relationship with the child.  Fathers and mothers both have knowledge and life experiences to help the child learn and grow. When fathers and mothers work together to teach and raise children, the children benefit.  The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children is a great resource to look at to determine all the benefits of active fathers and effects of inactive fathers. 

Coping with Christ

So far in my husband and I's marriage, we have yet to be confronted by an extremely stressful situation.  We have been very fortunate for that. However, personally, I have had several stressful situations that have seemed unbearable, unachievable, impossible to overcome, and ultimately too heavy for me to handle.  I have also been with others when they have gone through situations like this.  How we choose to deal or cope with this stress will greatly influence those around us especially children.

Coping with stress is not just getting by, not mindlessly going through the struggle.  Instead, it is facing our challenges head-on and being realistic about them.  Just because something is stressful doesn't mean we can't be happy, or can't communicate with those around us. 

Right before I finished my sophomore year of high school my parents decided we were going to move.  The purpose of this move was so they could attend college in a city a couple hours from where we were currently living. At this time in my life, some were surprised that I willing and happily went along with the move.  I did this because I trusted in my parents and their decision. When my parents put our house up for sale, there were no offers.  My parents were looking for a house to rent in the city we were moving to and there was nothing that was bigger than a one bedroom (there were going to be four adults).  This went on for months, they searched every day for a place to live and still nothing.  I watched as my parents stressed about what to do.  They had both been accepted into college and were going to be started in just a few months. They often questioned if their decision to go was the right thing.  But throughout this stressful time, they kept a positive attitude, always saying that it will work out.  I am such a worrier so sometimes the "it will all work out" phrase can add even more stress.  But since my parents seemed to believe it, I did too.  Our family was able to continue on happily throughout this time, actually even growing closer, because of how my parents decided to cope with the stress of the move.  Weeks before they were to start school we were able to find a place to live.  The time we spent working together as a family during this trial helped us become closer in a lot of things. This benefit in the struggle prepared us more than we could have ever imagined for when we moved into the new house.  Due to the house being less than a third of what we were used to, we were now closer in a whole new way. With all of us sharing one bathroom, things could have gotten intense.  But because of our previous stress, we were able to learn how to work with one another better.

The Lord gives us opportunities and experiences in our lives to learn and grow from. Often times these can be stressful situations. Sheri Dew, the author of Amazed by Grace, said: "He rarely moves the mountains in front of us, but He always helps us climb them." Through all these stressful situations the Lord is right there by our side, helping us through it.  Some of these experiences may feel unbearable, unachievable, impossible to overcome, and ultimately too heavy for us to handle.  But when we turn to our Heavenly Father, we will have what we need to cope with what we are going through.  Just as I trust in my parents and believed them when they said "it will all work out" we need to do the same with the Lord.

Protecting a Marriage with Boundaries

Before being married I believed others when they said marriage was difficult, but I didn't really understand.  Now being married I can agree with that.  Marriage is hard but it is also worth it.  So why don't we protect it as much as other things we value.  For example, if it is hailing out you better believe that I will be putting my car in the garage in order to protect it from any damage. But do I do the same with my marriage? 

In a marriage, there are so many factors that try to damage or destroy the bond between a husband and wife.  A few of these are the 3 F's, Family, Friends, and Facebook.  As we set up boundaries regarding these things we begin to build our garage to protect our marriage from outside forces. 

Family: this one can be the most dangerous of the 3 F's because it can easily be justified.  Since we are used to them being the ones we turned to before being married it is hard to change that after the wedding.  There can be thoughts like "they have known me my whole life, they understand me" or "they can help me understand what to do with this problem in our marriage".  Like I mentioned before this can easily be justified...of course, you would turn to them right? 

The answer is no, at least not for everything. By turning to family for a lot of things can actually intervene with the couples ability to rely on each other.  This could even result in insecurities and jealousies being formed. Difficulties and conflict will definitely happen in a relationship, but if those challenges are told to family members the problem could last longer than needed.  Since family members are not usually involved in the "make-up" process with the couple in conflict, they will hold the grudge long after you've resolved it with your spouse. Instead, clinging together as husband and wife is what needs to happen.  In Genesis 2:24 Adam said: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh." After the wedding, it is crucial to remember that you two are a new family and you are partners together in life. 

Friends: this can include unintentional emotional infidelity. Friends, especially of the opposite sex, can invade without intending to.  Emotional infidelity such as sharing tender feelings, confidence, and aspirations, creates bonds with someone other than your spouse. This can be damaging and may even lead to other forms of infidelity. There are a few things that can be done to create safe boundaries between friends, of the opposite sex, and your marriage. Here are just a few suggestions: do not seek them out for conversation, do not spend time with them alone, announce your marriage, and exercise caution with interacting with those other than your spouse. To help classify if something may or may not right look closely at these questions to ask yourself to protect your marriage from emotional infidelity:

• Am I turning to my friend for comfort rather than turning to my spouse?
• Am I seeking opportunities to be with my friend even when work/school doesn't require it?
• Am I emailing or texting my friend when not together?
• Am I comparing my spouse to my friend?
• Do I think of my friend when I am at home?

If it doesn't feel right no matter how small, it's not right.  Just as if your partner doesn't feel it's right, it's probably not.  President Spencer W. Kimball said: 

"Ther are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else" (D&C 42:22). And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.  And, to the woman it is paraphrased: "Thou shalt love thy husband and all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else." The words non else eliminate everyone and everything.  The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.'

In a marriage, we should hold strongly to our bond between our spouse.  Continue respecting and loving the one you chose to have for the rest of your life. 

Facebook: this includes all social media.  It is typically seen as a harmless distraction, but in reality, it is a distraction that can begin to pull couples apart. Social media can be an extremely beneficial tool in our lives as long as we don't let it become more. Our time spent on social media should not supersede our time spent with our spouse. Also, monitor how you are spending your time on social media.  Keeping tabs or checking up on those who you were in a past relationship can be harmful.  To keep yourself accountable, make sure anything you do online is something you are willing to discuss with your partner.  If you are tempted to hide any online activity it might be a good time to reevaluate.  

My husband and I are not of the lucky few that had perfectly working boundaries set up when we got married.  In fact, this is something that we have struggled with.  I am no expert contractor where I can build a garage in a day or without failing a few times first.  My husband and I have been continuously working as setting boundaries in our marriage to protect it from outside forces.  While the structure of our garage is coming along we still have a ways to go. I expect that we will continue working on perfecting our garage structure throughout our entire marriage. 

Engaged after 3 months...Normal?

When it comes to getting married there are a few norms that most people recognize.  These norms include two ideas: talking to the parents for approval and getting on one knee.  Talking to the parents is important for these reasons: to shows respect, ask for blessing, show that he cares about their daughter, asking for support as he provides for her (TRUST), and to establish boundaries. Getting on one knee signifies something important as well, submitting himself to her.

To get a little personal I am going to let you in on our experience with this.  Shocking for A LOT of people, Talon talked to my parents after only three months of dating.  Before proposing to me, he knew that asking for my hand in marriage was important.  He wanted my parent's approval before he took the steps of making me his.  During this conversation, a lot of tears were shed (mostly from my mother) because they loved him, they knew that he would take care of me in all matters financially, emotional, and spiritually.  My parents and Talon talked about several things, like how he would provide for our future family, if he loved me, why he loved me, and so much more.  When they gave him their blessing they told him that he had their full support.  They let him know how much they loved him and how excited they were to have him as a son-in-law.  (I wasn't there when all this went down, so this is what I was told.  So who knows maybe all three of them are just liars.) But seriously, I am very fortunate to have a husband that my parents love and accept.

In a talk given by Thomas B. Holman titled Choosing and Being the Right Spouse,  he said the following:

"It is important to have family and friends on our side and supportive of the upcoming marriage, Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles advised. “Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends.”Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and “faithful, mature, trustworthy friends,” can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed."

Now that he had the approval from the parents the next step was to actually ask! (I am really glad I didn't have to do this because I would be wayyyy to afraid of rejection.) I will never forget the day Talon proposed to me, I even get teary-eyed thinking about it. He took me on a hike up this mountain that had such an amazing view.  After looking out at the scenery for a while he bent down and one knee and opened a box (at first I was a little confused about what was going on, but when I saw that ring...I knew).  Then he asked, "Will you marry me?"  While he will say I didn't even let him finish, I didn't hesitate to answer his question.  Actually, I think I just kissed him before I answered, but that's the same as a Yes, right?

This is just a tiny glimpse into our experience of getting engaged, it was a significant process that should be taken.  While he did get the approval to ask me to marry him, it was my decision to actually to accept, not my families.  I choose him.  Just as he knelt on one knee, submitting himself to me, I said yes, giving myself to him---BY CHOICE.

Since marriage isn't always a breeze, when tough times come up I try to remember this.  I choose him as my companion for time and all eternity.  No matter what storms arise, he is the one I want to be with forever, so I need to act and treat him as such. Elder Lynn G. Robbins spoke about this concept in his talk Agency and Love in Marriage.  In this address he said,

"Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.”"

Again, I remind you, love is a choice.  The person you marry is a choice.  Make the conscious decision to love and respect your spouse.  My husband is a wonderful man, but I still have to make the effort to love him with all my heart, soul, and mind.  I chose him on the mountain that day and will continue to choose him every day for the rest of our lives. 

The Virtual Reality of Dating

When was the last time you went on a date? I'll tell you the last time I went on one, it was with my husband on this past Wednesday. Our date included an intense encounter with robots trying to infiltrate the database of our organization's network.  After accomplishing our mission of defeating the robots, we decided to cool down by watching the newly released movie Venom (it was great by the way).

But not every date has to be an extreme battle against an enemy to be defined as a date. Webster's Dictionary defines a date as being "a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." However, if we look at the world's view of a date it is quite different.  We can see this by looking at Urban Dictionary's definition which is "An audition for sex". Which definition do you tend to lean towards when you think of a date?  I for one don't ever want to "audition" for sex, I want to be seen as more than just an object. 

More and more people are losing knowledge of the importance of dating, instead, we poke fun at the idea. All over social media, we see memes and post saying things like: 

"I can't date you if you use the same perfume as my ex...Out here smelling like regrets.", "Sorry I can't date you if (A) you can't watch Disney movies with me, (B) you can't sing along with me when I'm grooving to Disney songs, (C) if you have no sense of humor, (D) don't cuddle." "I can't date you if you get too many likes on insta, I don't need that stress in my life." or "If you don't listen to Hank, Willie, Waylon, or Merle, I can't date you." 

 I understand these are created with the purpose of being a joke.  But we still read them and they still sink in.  I have had a few friends comment seriously saying "ugh he listens to country music, I could never date him now".  If my husband had thoughts like this he would have never even dated me.  If his interest in me was purely based on his music taste that interest wouldn't have gone far.  But after being married for over a year now he has been able to influence me to listen to a lot more than the style I did when we first started dating. 

Back to my point though, what is the importance of dating? The importance of dating can actually help us choose our spouse.  It gives us skills and perspectives that would not have been gained without dating.  Before meeting my husband I dated a lot of people, most of which were varying in personalities.  While a few of them meant more to me than others, I am grateful for all of those who I had a chance to go on date with.  Every single one of these men gave me insight into what I wanted in an eternal companion. Without my experiences through dating before marriage, I probably would not have chosen my husband. He is different than what I ever thought I wanted, but now he is exactly that... everything I want.  

Still, with dating being important, there are several opting to "hang out" vs go on a date.  Those opting to "hang out" offer some valid reasons as to why. Those include:

• Don't want to lead anyone on
• I'm more myself in a group
• It is less formal, less pressure
• Easier
• No commitment
• Less rejection

I am sure we could find more reasons as to why "hanging out" is better.  But these are all temporary reasons, these reasons don't look at the bigger picture, growth.  Dating prepares us for our future, with this person or not.  I am not saying you have to date with the intentions of marriage and I am not saying you can't ever hang out.  Dating is fun, serious or not.  What I am saying though, going on dates gives us skills that we can not gain by "hanging out".  In the future follow the 3 P's, make sure the date is planned, paid for, and be paired off, just like my husband and I did when we fought off robots in a Virtual Reality game. This will help you to learn more about yourself and help you know what you want in a future companion. 

Sex is IMPORTANT!!

When I think of the perceptions in the world today, it is heartbreaking.  There is such a lack of love and understanding for differences, differences that come from biological means.  Others can offer things that I can't, physically and mentally.  But there also things I can offer that they might not be able to.  Does this make me inferior to them, or them to me? Of course not...

Gender.  It is crazy and sad, how nerve wrecking it can be to post a certain word.  In our world today we are taught that no matter your gender, male or female, we are the same. (What?! How does that even make sense?!) Webster's dictionary defines same as being "one without addition, change, or discontinuance". We are not the same and that is OKAY! Actually, it is better than just okay, it's great, amazing, wonderful, and exactly how God planned it.  Men were made with the purpose of Presiding, Providing, and Protecting.  Women were made with the intentions of Nurturing.  This is not saying we can't overlap in these duties at all.  Personally, I see this set up in a Venn Diagram like the one below. 

This may not be the prettiest of graphs, as I am not artistically inclined especially on a computer.  But I do believe this conveys the point very well.  There are other things we can put in the diagram to emphasize the difference between men and women. Just focusing on these attributes though we can see that while we have our own sole purpose we can also contribute to the others. However, a women contribution and approach to presiding, providing, and protecting will be different than a mans.  Just as the men's approach to nurturing may be different than a woman's. 

I mentioned previously that this is exactly how God planned it.  When he sent us here He gave men and women different attributes and abilities.  President Spencer W. Kimbell weighed in on this saying:

“In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. Because their natures are somewhat different, they can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences, and act accordingly” (“Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5).

Men and women are different enough to complement and uplift each other to reach their full potential.  But we are similar enough to understand one another. It is important that we can grasp this concept, to be able to respect and love one another. As we begin to recognize this as truth we can stop competing with our counterparts and instead, help each other to be their best self. 

In an excerpt from a talk given by Linda K. Burton, Relief Society General President in 2015, she made a few profound statements. Burton remarked:

"In a chapter about families, the Church handbook contains this statement: “The nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each other.” Please note that it does not say “compete with each other” but “complete each other”! We are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves. Sister Barbara B. Smith wisely taught, “There is so much more of happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another’s successes and not just in our own.”When we seek to “complete” rather than “compete,” it is so much easier to cheer each other on!"

As we go throughout our daily lives lets remember that we are not competing with those of the opposite gender.  Both males and females possess different traits and instead of a rivalry, why not embrace them. Love what you can offer, and love what they can offer.  We are meant to complement each other through our own unique characteristics. Take time to uplift qualities in the opposite gender that you may not have. Work to complete.