The Virtual Reality of Dating

When was the last time you went on a date? I'll tell you the last time I went on one, it was with my husband on this past Wednesday. Our date included an intense encounter with robots trying to infiltrate the database of our organization's network.  After accomplishing our mission of defeating the robots, we decided to cool down by watching the newly released movie Venom (it was great by the way).

But not every date has to be an extreme battle against an enemy to be defined as a date. Webster's Dictionary defines a date as being "a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." However, if we look at the world's view of a date it is quite different.  We can see this by looking at Urban Dictionary's definition which is "An audition for sex". Which definition do you tend to lean towards when you think of a date?  I for one don't ever want to "audition" for sex, I want to be seen as more than just an object. 

More and more people are losing knowledge of the importance of dating, instead, we poke fun at the idea. All over social media, we see memes and post saying things like: 

"I can't date you if you use the same perfume as my ex...Out here smelling like regrets.", "Sorry I can't date you if (A) you can't watch Disney movies with me, (B) you can't sing along with me when I'm grooving to Disney songs, (C) if you have no sense of humor, (D) don't cuddle." "I can't date you if you get too many likes on insta, I don't need that stress in my life." or "If you don't listen to Hank, Willie, Waylon, or Merle, I can't date you." 

 I understand these are created with the purpose of being a joke.  But we still read them and they still sink in.  I have had a few friends comment seriously saying "ugh he listens to country music, I could never date him now".  If my husband had thoughts like this he would have never even dated me.  If his interest in me was purely based on his music taste that interest wouldn't have gone far.  But after being married for over a year now he has been able to influence me to listen to a lot more than the style I did when we first started dating. 

Back to my point though, what is the importance of dating? The importance of dating can actually help us choose our spouse.  It gives us skills and perspectives that would not have been gained without dating.  Before meeting my husband I dated a lot of people, most of which were varying in personalities.  While a few of them meant more to me than others, I am grateful for all of those who I had a chance to go on date with.  Every single one of these men gave me insight into what I wanted in an eternal companion. Without my experiences through dating before marriage, I probably would not have chosen my husband. He is different than what I ever thought I wanted, but now he is exactly that... everything I want.  

Still, with dating being important, there are several opting to "hang out" vs go on a date.  Those opting to "hang out" offer some valid reasons as to why. Those include:

• Don't want to lead anyone on
• I'm more myself in a group
• It is less formal, less pressure
• Easier
• No commitment
• Less rejection

I am sure we could find more reasons as to why "hanging out" is better.  But these are all temporary reasons, these reasons don't look at the bigger picture, growth.  Dating prepares us for our future, with this person or not.  I am not saying you have to date with the intentions of marriage and I am not saying you can't ever hang out.  Dating is fun, serious or not.  What I am saying though, going on dates gives us skills that we can not gain by "hanging out".  In the future follow the 3 P's, make sure the date is planned, paid for, and be paired off, just like my husband and I did when we fought off robots in a Virtual Reality game. This will help you to learn more about yourself and help you know what you want in a future companion. 

Sex is IMPORTANT!!

When I think of the perceptions in the world today, it is heartbreaking.  There is such a lack of love and understanding for differences, differences that come from biological means.  Others can offer things that I can't, physically and mentally.  But there also things I can offer that they might not be able to.  Does this make me inferior to them, or them to me? Of course not...

Gender.  It is crazy and sad, how nerve wrecking it can be to post a certain word.  In our world today we are taught that no matter your gender, male or female, we are the same. (What?! How does that even make sense?!) Webster's dictionary defines same as being "one without addition, change, or discontinuance". We are not the same and that is OKAY! Actually, it is better than just okay, it's great, amazing, wonderful, and exactly how God planned it.  Men were made with the purpose of Presiding, Providing, and Protecting.  Women were made with the intentions of Nurturing.  This is not saying we can't overlap in these duties at all.  Personally, I see this set up in a Venn Diagram like the one below. 

This may not be the prettiest of graphs, as I am not artistically inclined especially on a computer.  But I do believe this conveys the point very well.  There are other things we can put in the diagram to emphasize the difference between men and women. Just focusing on these attributes though we can see that while we have our own sole purpose we can also contribute to the others. However, a women contribution and approach to presiding, providing, and protecting will be different than a mans.  Just as the men's approach to nurturing may be different than a woman's. 

I mentioned previously that this is exactly how God planned it.  When he sent us here He gave men and women different attributes and abilities.  President Spencer W. Kimbell weighed in on this saying:

“In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. Because their natures are somewhat different, they can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences, and act accordingly” (“Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5).

Men and women are different enough to complement and uplift each other to reach their full potential.  But we are similar enough to understand one another. It is important that we can grasp this concept, to be able to respect and love one another. As we begin to recognize this as truth we can stop competing with our counterparts and instead, help each other to be their best self. 

In an excerpt from a talk given by Linda K. Burton, Relief Society General President in 2015, she made a few profound statements. Burton remarked:

"In a chapter about families, the Church handbook contains this statement: “The nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each other.” Please note that it does not say “compete with each other” but “complete each other”! We are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves. Sister Barbara B. Smith wisely taught, “There is so much more of happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another’s successes and not just in our own.”When we seek to “complete” rather than “compete,” it is so much easier to cheer each other on!"

As we go throughout our daily lives lets remember that we are not competing with those of the opposite gender.  Both males and females possess different traits and instead of a rivalry, why not embrace them. Love what you can offer, and love what they can offer.  We are meant to complement each other through our own unique characteristics. Take time to uplift qualities in the opposite gender that you may not have. Work to complete.  

Reindeer, Minecraft, and Prayer: The Keys to Tradition

Growing up my version of Christmas was very different than a lot of people I knew.  While Christmas was about the Savior in our home, how we celebrated was a little extravagant. Many put up a tree, lights, nativities, and reindeer around their homes to show their Christmas spirit. My family liked to show their spirit with 10+ trees, 100+ nativities, and countless reindeer and Santa Claus figurines in the house. To some, this may have been seen as extreme, but to me this was Christmas, it truly wasn't the Holiday Season without all the decorations.  Since I was a toddler this was a tradition that the Riphenburg family has carried on to this day. Now that I am on my own with my own family this tradition stills follows me.  I am not as extreme as my family growing up was, but my husband always has to remind me to tone it down.  

Traditions are defined as being "inherited patterns of belief of behavior".  Each family has several traditions big or small that may be unique to their family. Traditions can be very beneficial for a family structure, Susan Lieberman agreed with this saying "Family traditions counter alienation and confusion.  They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world."   They can create stability, a sense of familiarity, and reinforce values. And really who doesn't want something we can count on as being safe and reliable in this world today? I am definitely one who thrives on consistency which is probably why I love traditions so much.  

I have been trying to think of traditions that my husband and I have in our own marriage, and my mind was completely blank.  Then I started to realize there are so many little things that we do that can be considered to be a tradition. Some of these things include saying a prayer before meals, giving each other a hug before leaving, saying "I love you" before we hang up on the phone, and making breakfast together every Sunday morning. Sometimes I think it is easy to dismiss some of these things as being minuscule.  But in reality, these things are much more important than I tend to remember.   

Sometimes I wonder if the traditions that my husband I have are good traditions when it comes to uplifting ourselves in life and in our faith. Cheryl C. Lant, the Primary General President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 2008 asked: "How should we determine what our traditions will be?" She went on to answer this saying 

"The scriptures give us a great pattern. In Mosiah 5:15 it states, “Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works.” I love this because we know that traditions are formed over time as we repeat the same actions over and over again. As we are steady and unchanging in doing that which is good, our traditions become firmly rooted in righteousness."

Cheryl C. Lant's statement has helped me answer my question about my own traditions. As my husband and I put our emphasis on doing good our traditions can become "firmly rooted in righteousness." Our tradition of playing Minecraft once a week together might not necessarily be someones first thought of "doing good". But in our marriage, it is something light-hearted that we do together on a consistent basis.  This is a tradition that has helped us grow closer and surprisingly to learn a lot about each other. 

You don't have to decorate every inch of your house for Christmas for it to be considered a tradition.   It doesn't even need to be something that everyone else views as a traditional tradition.  My only advice would be is to be consistent and to make sure your goal is to do good.  Doing good could be to instill values in children, make memories as a family, to grow closer as husband and wife, or so much more.  When it comes to forming your own family traditions, make them your own! 

I am thankful my marriage has conflict!

Oh no! We have Conflict!

How many of you believe or have believed that happily married couples don't have conflict? Maybe I am the only one raising my hand right now, but growing up I believed that.  I would think "how could I argue with someone I love?" "How can I possibly be upset with someone I want to spend forever with?"  This might sound a little (or maybe even very) naive...but these are thoughts (possibly even expectations) that I had about marriage.  So when I got married this idea of "only happily married couples don't have conflict" hit me hard! Shortly after being married conflicts started to arise between my husband and I (surprise right?).  Early on in the marriage, I started to feel like a failure as a wife. I would constantly think "we are newly married, this should be a blissful time with no conflicts" and  "how could we possibly be a happily married couple if we were already encountering struggles?" These thoughts and self-doubts were causing more additional problems because of the unrealistic expectations that were being set. We were very fortunate to meet a very wise man who shared a book with us.  At first, I was very hesitant to read the book because of the title.  The book is called The High Conflict Couple, and we were not a high conflict couple.  Once I realized nurturing my marriage was more important than what you would classify our relationship as I was able to dive into the book. And oh wow, let me tell you...this publication is something else (by this I mean amazing).  In the foreword it says:

"No relationship has only smooth sailing.  All relationships have conflict and an excess of negative emotion, so problems in intimate relationships affect just about everyone at one time or another.  Being in a high-conflict relationship is exhausting and leaves both partners feeling miserable and alone." 

How crazy of a thought right? "All relationships have conflict." Wooh...so I am not the only one who has conflicts with their spouse? This mindset may come naturally to some, or maybe many, but for me this was eye-opening.  I was relieved when I was told that we were normal and these small disagreements were normal if taken care of properly. I was able to take a step back and see that everyone goes through challenges no matter how 'perfect' their marriage looks. In fact in the textbook Marriage & Family The Quest for Intimacy it has some great insight on this topic. 

 ""Happily ever after," then, does not mean "with never a difference or disagreement." In fact, a little reflection shows how unrealistic it is to expect a conflict-free union.  Any sustained, close relationship has times of strain, disagreement, and argument.  Parents fight with their children. Close friends disagree and are hurt by each other.  People who work closely together on a daily basis find themselves getting frustrated and angry.  Why should you expect anything different in marriage?"

Why should we expect anything different from our own marriages? We can all have our happily ever after with our spouse still having our occasional conflicts. I realized that my husband is very different from me.  We don't think the same on a few things, and that's okay! Through a lot of praying, reading, and pondering, I understand that we don't have to agree on everything to have a happy successful marriage.  Howard W. Hunter said, "being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person". So in order for my husband and I to work towards having that happy and successful marriage, we both need to put forth a great deal of effort.  I can't just sit back and expect to have this magically perfect husband form right in front of my eyes and vise versa.  There is a wonderful quote by Elder F. Burton Howard that explains this perfectly. It says:

 "if you want something to last forever, you treat it differently, you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it.  You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary.  If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.  It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."

My husband and I are far from perfect, but I can tell you I want our marriage to last forever.  I treasure him and our marriage more than I thought possible.  I want to continue polishing our all our imperfections and we work to make it more beautiful and precious.  As we do so I will remain thankful that my marriage has conflict. 

Why am I here?

As I sit here staring at my laptop trying to figure out how to describe myself to possible readers somewhere in the world, I start to feel silly.  For you to understand why I feel this way it may help to know a little bit about me.  I am not a professional writer or even average by any means. I am just a Public Health major trying to finish up my last semester at Brigham Young University-Idaho. To fill up my schedule I took this class called Family Relations.  As part of the class, we are required to have a blog, for some this might be a dream class, for me though I would rather retake all my Anatomy, Physiology, and Chemistry classes again! In all seriousness, I am excited (maybe if I type it my brain will start to believe it) to share the principles I am learning in this class.