Patiently Parenting

Growing up I got in trouble a lot...and I mean a lot! I probably wasn't the best of kids, so sorry mom and dad! I don't know about you guys but I was always pushing the limits in our house and breaking the rules.  Even with me constantly angering my parents they were almost always loving.  I rarely ever remember getting "punished".  Some might hear this and think "in order to get a child to behave well you need to punish them".  Well, that couldn't be further from the truth. I think if we change one word it there it would be extremely accurate.  So how about this..." in order to get a child to behave well you need to discipline them".  Some might still think that that is the same thing, but it's not.  Punishment and discipline are very much two different concepts.

Layne E. and Jana Squires Flake talked about this concept in the 1983 article Punishment or Discipline.  In this article that said:

"Punishment calls for “retributive suffering.” But discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects.” Punishment is directed at the child himself. Discipline is directed more at the objectionable behavior of the child; it is something we do for our children, not to them."

To establish love, respect, and harmony in a home, we must be an example to others in our home.  This is especially true for children. Children follow and do what they know and see.  If they see anger and yelling (characteristic associated with punishment), their behavior will reflect these things.  However, if they see misbehavior matched with love and respect from their parent it is likely they will take on these attributes. On Positive Parenting's website, they discuss how discipline and punishment are not the same. In this article, they said:

"Punishment causes children to focus their attention and anger toward an “unfair” adult rather than on learning to be responsible for their own actions. Violence perpetuates violence. In a recent landmark study, 41% of parents believed that a child should be spanked for hitting."

I am not saying I am completely against spanking, but it should be done properly and appropriately. I do believe, however, that matching a child's anger with anger is not teaching them how to over a problem calmly.  It instead is confusing for the child, why is it okay for adults to yell and be angry but not a child? 

Lynn G. Robbins gave a talk in April 2011 called: What Manner Of Men and Women Ought Ye Be?.  In this talk, he discusses the topic of discipline saying:

"Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple and implies patience and teaching on our part. It should not be done in anger. [...] Through discipline the child learns of consequences. In such moments it is helpful to turn negatives into positives. If the child confesses to a wrong, praise the courage it took to confess. Ask the child what he or she learned from the mistake or misdeed, which gives you, and more important, the Spirit an opportunity to touch and teach the child."

Discipline requires patience understanding, whereas punishment rushes into consequences.  when angry or upset it can be difficult to make judgment calls on consequences. Punishment can also be something a superior does to an inferior to gain control of that inferior.  By my parents taking the time to show love and concern for me and what I was going through they we able to effectively discipline me.  They also provided the necessary appropriate consequences but all while not instituting 'suffering' to me, their child.   

"F" is for...

In the world of parenting, some tend to think that most things are left to the mothers.  Mothers are the ones to teach their children, this could be how to walk, talk, behave, love, and so much more.  This is true but some forget about the fathers.  They can be seen as the ones who provide financially and only provide financially.  When in reality fathers provide so much more to a child's life than just money.

So what do fathers do? To answer this question lets travel back in time to 1999 when (in my opinion) the best episode of Spongebob aired on television. In this episode, Spongebob does an amazing performance of the FUN song.  However, the lyrics can be changed to form new meanings.  Plankton did it so I thought I'd give it a try.

""F" is for Fathers who do things together.  "U" is for U and me.  "N" is for Nurturing and providing all the necessities.  

How did I do? (I know, I probably shouldn't try out any songwriting careers).  Either way, the content is still important.

First, fathers who do things together.  Wholesome family recreation can lead to building strong families and relationships.  Mark A. Widmer and Stacy T. Taniguchi wrote the following: "Wholesome family recreation can help us to strengthen our relationships and reduce negative emotional and spiritual consequences.  Wholesome recreation strengthens families."  Doing things together as a family will help you to learn more about each other and to have fun as well.  Widmer and Taniguchi also said, "meaningful recreation does not just happen; it must be prepared for, cultivated, and privately defended."  When fathers make the effort to plan these activities it can actually have a great influence on the children.  This is because it is showing leadership.  In a video called Today's Family: Fathers they stated: "Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has been so and always will be so. Fathers, with the assistance of counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home."  Fathers are to preside or to be in a position of authority, over the family, with the assistance of their spouse. By presiding and leading wholesome family activities, fathers are helping raise well-developed children. 

Second, you and me.  Fathers should create a relationship between each of their children.  Howard W. Hunter spoke on this in a talk called Being a Righteous Husband and Father.  In this talk he said:

" Earn the respect and confidence of your children through your loving relationship with them. A righteous father protects his children with his time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities. Tender expressions of love and affection toward children are as much the responsibility of the father as the mother. Tell your children you love them."

Just as we have to earn the confidence and respect from others, we have to do the same with children.  Also, to help build the relationship between you and your child, protect them in all aspects.  When you protect the time you have with them, you are showing you care. 

Third, nurturing and providing necessities.  Most think of nurturing as something just for mothers.  However, this assumption is false.  Nurturing is a behavior that expresses caring. The purpose of a nurturing father is given in an article by Josh McCumber on the National Fatherhood Initiative website. McCumber says:

 "The overall purpose of nurturing is not just to do but to connect in the moment. When engaging in nurturing behavior (i.e. express caring, give attention, train, or provide) the intention is to build a strong bond with a spouse or child. By investing in them, they will become more invested in me. That bond gives fathers credibility and transforms us into better men, better fathers. "

All three of these have one underlying similarity, building a relationship with the child.  Fathers and mothers both have knowledge and life experiences to help the child learn and grow. When fathers and mothers work together to teach and raise children, the children benefit.  The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children is a great resource to look at to determine all the benefits of active fathers and effects of inactive fathers.