Coping with Christ

So far in my husband and I's marriage, we have yet to be confronted by an extremely stressful situation.  We have been very fortunate for that. However, personally, I have had several stressful situations that have seemed unbearable, unachievable, impossible to overcome, and ultimately too heavy for me to handle.  I have also been with others when they have gone through situations like this.  How we choose to deal or cope with this stress will greatly influence those around us especially children.

Coping with stress is not just getting by, not mindlessly going through the struggle.  Instead, it is facing our challenges head-on and being realistic about them.  Just because something is stressful doesn't mean we can't be happy, or can't communicate with those around us. 

Right before I finished my sophomore year of high school my parents decided we were going to move.  The purpose of this move was so they could attend college in a city a couple hours from where we were currently living. At this time in my life, some were surprised that I willing and happily went along with the move.  I did this because I trusted in my parents and their decision. When my parents put our house up for sale, there were no offers.  My parents were looking for a house to rent in the city we were moving to and there was nothing that was bigger than a one bedroom (there were going to be four adults).  This went on for months, they searched every day for a place to live and still nothing.  I watched as my parents stressed about what to do.  They had both been accepted into college and were going to be started in just a few months. They often questioned if their decision to go was the right thing.  But throughout this stressful time, they kept a positive attitude, always saying that it will work out.  I am such a worrier so sometimes the "it will all work out" phrase can add even more stress.  But since my parents seemed to believe it, I did too.  Our family was able to continue on happily throughout this time, actually even growing closer, because of how my parents decided to cope with the stress of the move.  Weeks before they were to start school we were able to find a place to live.  The time we spent working together as a family during this trial helped us become closer in a lot of things. This benefit in the struggle prepared us more than we could have ever imagined for when we moved into the new house.  Due to the house being less than a third of what we were used to, we were now closer in a whole new way. With all of us sharing one bathroom, things could have gotten intense.  But because of our previous stress, we were able to learn how to work with one another better.

The Lord gives us opportunities and experiences in our lives to learn and grow from. Often times these can be stressful situations. Sheri Dew, the author of Amazed by Grace, said: "He rarely moves the mountains in front of us, but He always helps us climb them." Through all these stressful situations the Lord is right there by our side, helping us through it.  Some of these experiences may feel unbearable, unachievable, impossible to overcome, and ultimately too heavy for us to handle.  But when we turn to our Heavenly Father, we will have what we need to cope with what we are going through.  Just as I trust in my parents and believed them when they said "it will all work out" we need to do the same with the Lord.

Protecting a Marriage with Boundaries

Before being married I believed others when they said marriage was difficult, but I didn't really understand.  Now being married I can agree with that.  Marriage is hard but it is also worth it.  So why don't we protect it as much as other things we value.  For example, if it is hailing out you better believe that I will be putting my car in the garage in order to protect it from any damage. But do I do the same with my marriage? 

In a marriage, there are so many factors that try to damage or destroy the bond between a husband and wife.  A few of these are the 3 F's, Family, Friends, and Facebook.  As we set up boundaries regarding these things we begin to build our garage to protect our marriage from outside forces. 

Family: this one can be the most dangerous of the 3 F's because it can easily be justified.  Since we are used to them being the ones we turned to before being married it is hard to change that after the wedding.  There can be thoughts like "they have known me my whole life, they understand me" or "they can help me understand what to do with this problem in our marriage".  Like I mentioned before this can easily be justified...of course, you would turn to them right? 

The answer is no, at least not for everything. By turning to family for a lot of things can actually intervene with the couples ability to rely on each other.  This could even result in insecurities and jealousies being formed. Difficulties and conflict will definitely happen in a relationship, but if those challenges are told to family members the problem could last longer than needed.  Since family members are not usually involved in the "make-up" process with the couple in conflict, they will hold the grudge long after you've resolved it with your spouse. Instead, clinging together as husband and wife is what needs to happen.  In Genesis 2:24 Adam said: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh." After the wedding, it is crucial to remember that you two are a new family and you are partners together in life. 

Friends: this can include unintentional emotional infidelity. Friends, especially of the opposite sex, can invade without intending to.  Emotional infidelity such as sharing tender feelings, confidence, and aspirations, creates bonds with someone other than your spouse. This can be damaging and may even lead to other forms of infidelity. There are a few things that can be done to create safe boundaries between friends, of the opposite sex, and your marriage. Here are just a few suggestions: do not seek them out for conversation, do not spend time with them alone, announce your marriage, and exercise caution with interacting with those other than your spouse. To help classify if something may or may not right look closely at these questions to ask yourself to protect your marriage from emotional infidelity:

• Am I turning to my friend for comfort rather than turning to my spouse?
• Am I seeking opportunities to be with my friend even when work/school doesn't require it?
• Am I emailing or texting my friend when not together?
• Am I comparing my spouse to my friend?
• Do I think of my friend when I am at home?

If it doesn't feel right no matter how small, it's not right.  Just as if your partner doesn't feel it's right, it's probably not.  President Spencer W. Kimball said: 

"Ther are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else" (D&C 42:22). And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.  And, to the woman it is paraphrased: "Thou shalt love thy husband and all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else." The words non else eliminate everyone and everything.  The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.'

In a marriage, we should hold strongly to our bond between our spouse.  Continue respecting and loving the one you chose to have for the rest of your life. 

Facebook: this includes all social media.  It is typically seen as a harmless distraction, but in reality, it is a distraction that can begin to pull couples apart. Social media can be an extremely beneficial tool in our lives as long as we don't let it become more. Our time spent on social media should not supersede our time spent with our spouse. Also, monitor how you are spending your time on social media.  Keeping tabs or checking up on those who you were in a past relationship can be harmful.  To keep yourself accountable, make sure anything you do online is something you are willing to discuss with your partner.  If you are tempted to hide any online activity it might be a good time to reevaluate.  

My husband and I are not of the lucky few that had perfectly working boundaries set up when we got married.  In fact, this is something that we have struggled with.  I am no expert contractor where I can build a garage in a day or without failing a few times first.  My husband and I have been continuously working as setting boundaries in our marriage to protect it from outside forces.  While the structure of our garage is coming along we still have a ways to go. I expect that we will continue working on perfecting our garage structure throughout our entire marriage. 

Engaged after 3 months...Normal?

When it comes to getting married there are a few norms that most people recognize.  These norms include two ideas: talking to the parents for approval and getting on one knee.  Talking to the parents is important for these reasons: to shows respect, ask for blessing, show that he cares about their daughter, asking for support as he provides for her (TRUST), and to establish boundaries. Getting on one knee signifies something important as well, submitting himself to her.

To get a little personal I am going to let you in on our experience with this.  Shocking for A LOT of people, Talon talked to my parents after only three months of dating.  Before proposing to me, he knew that asking for my hand in marriage was important.  He wanted my parent's approval before he took the steps of making me his.  During this conversation, a lot of tears were shed (mostly from my mother) because they loved him, they knew that he would take care of me in all matters financially, emotional, and spiritually.  My parents and Talon talked about several things, like how he would provide for our future family, if he loved me, why he loved me, and so much more.  When they gave him their blessing they told him that he had their full support.  They let him know how much they loved him and how excited they were to have him as a son-in-law.  (I wasn't there when all this went down, so this is what I was told.  So who knows maybe all three of them are just liars.) But seriously, I am very fortunate to have a husband that my parents love and accept.

In a talk given by Thomas B. Holman titled Choosing and Being the Right Spouse,  he said the following:

"It is important to have family and friends on our side and supportive of the upcoming marriage, Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles advised. “Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends.”Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and “faithful, mature, trustworthy friends,” can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed."

Now that he had the approval from the parents the next step was to actually ask! (I am really glad I didn't have to do this because I would be wayyyy to afraid of rejection.) I will never forget the day Talon proposed to me, I even get teary-eyed thinking about it. He took me on a hike up this mountain that had such an amazing view.  After looking out at the scenery for a while he bent down and one knee and opened a box (at first I was a little confused about what was going on, but when I saw that ring...I knew).  Then he asked, "Will you marry me?"  While he will say I didn't even let him finish, I didn't hesitate to answer his question.  Actually, I think I just kissed him before I answered, but that's the same as a Yes, right?

This is just a tiny glimpse into our experience of getting engaged, it was a significant process that should be taken.  While he did get the approval to ask me to marry him, it was my decision to actually to accept, not my families.  I choose him.  Just as he knelt on one knee, submitting himself to me, I said yes, giving myself to him---BY CHOICE.

Since marriage isn't always a breeze, when tough times come up I try to remember this.  I choose him as my companion for time and all eternity.  No matter what storms arise, he is the one I want to be with forever, so I need to act and treat him as such. Elder Lynn G. Robbins spoke about this concept in his talk Agency and Love in Marriage.  In this address he said,

"Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.”"

Again, I remind you, love is a choice.  The person you marry is a choice.  Make the conscious decision to love and respect your spouse.  My husband is a wonderful man, but I still have to make the effort to love him with all my heart, soul, and mind.  I chose him on the mountain that day and will continue to choose him every day for the rest of our lives.