Reindeer, Minecraft, and Prayer: The Keys to Tradition

Growing up my version of Christmas was very different than a lot of people I knew.  While Christmas was about the Savior in our home, how we celebrated was a little extravagant. Many put up a tree, lights, nativities, and reindeer around their homes to show their Christmas spirit. My family liked to show their spirit with 10+ trees, 100+ nativities, and countless reindeer and Santa Claus figurines in the house. To some, this may have been seen as extreme, but to me this was Christmas, it truly wasn't the Holiday Season without all the decorations.  Since I was a toddler this was a tradition that the Riphenburg family has carried on to this day. Now that I am on my own with my own family this tradition stills follows me.  I am not as extreme as my family growing up was, but my husband always has to remind me to tone it down.  

Traditions are defined as being "inherited patterns of belief of behavior".  Each family has several traditions big or small that may be unique to their family. Traditions can be very beneficial for a family structure, Susan Lieberman agreed with this saying "Family traditions counter alienation and confusion.  They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world."   They can create stability, a sense of familiarity, and reinforce values. And really who doesn't want something we can count on as being safe and reliable in this world today? I am definitely one who thrives on consistency which is probably why I love traditions so much.  

I have been trying to think of traditions that my husband and I have in our own marriage, and my mind was completely blank.  Then I started to realize there are so many little things that we do that can be considered to be a tradition. Some of these things include saying a prayer before meals, giving each other a hug before leaving, saying "I love you" before we hang up on the phone, and making breakfast together every Sunday morning. Sometimes I think it is easy to dismiss some of these things as being minuscule.  But in reality, these things are much more important than I tend to remember.   

Sometimes I wonder if the traditions that my husband I have are good traditions when it comes to uplifting ourselves in life and in our faith. Cheryl C. Lant, the Primary General President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 2008 asked: "How should we determine what our traditions will be?" She went on to answer this saying 

"The scriptures give us a great pattern. In Mosiah 5:15 it states, “Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works.” I love this because we know that traditions are formed over time as we repeat the same actions over and over again. As we are steady and unchanging in doing that which is good, our traditions become firmly rooted in righteousness."

Cheryl C. Lant's statement has helped me answer my question about my own traditions. As my husband and I put our emphasis on doing good our traditions can become "firmly rooted in righteousness." Our tradition of playing Minecraft once a week together might not necessarily be someones first thought of "doing good". But in our marriage, it is something light-hearted that we do together on a consistent basis.  This is a tradition that has helped us grow closer and surprisingly to learn a lot about each other. 

You don't have to decorate every inch of your house for Christmas for it to be considered a tradition.   It doesn't even need to be something that everyone else views as a traditional tradition.  My only advice would be is to be consistent and to make sure your goal is to do good.  Doing good could be to instill values in children, make memories as a family, to grow closer as husband and wife, or so much more.  When it comes to forming your own family traditions, make them your own! 

I am thankful my marriage has conflict!

Oh no! We have Conflict!

How many of you believe or have believed that happily married couples don't have conflict? Maybe I am the only one raising my hand right now, but growing up I believed that.  I would think "how could I argue with someone I love?" "How can I possibly be upset with someone I want to spend forever with?"  This might sound a little (or maybe even very) naive...but these are thoughts (possibly even expectations) that I had about marriage.  So when I got married this idea of "only happily married couples don't have conflict" hit me hard! Shortly after being married conflicts started to arise between my husband and I (surprise right?).  Early on in the marriage, I started to feel like a failure as a wife. I would constantly think "we are newly married, this should be a blissful time with no conflicts" and  "how could we possibly be a happily married couple if we were already encountering struggles?" These thoughts and self-doubts were causing more additional problems because of the unrealistic expectations that were being set. We were very fortunate to meet a very wise man who shared a book with us.  At first, I was very hesitant to read the book because of the title.  The book is called The High Conflict Couple, and we were not a high conflict couple.  Once I realized nurturing my marriage was more important than what you would classify our relationship as I was able to dive into the book. And oh wow, let me tell you...this publication is something else (by this I mean amazing).  In the foreword it says:

"No relationship has only smooth sailing.  All relationships have conflict and an excess of negative emotion, so problems in intimate relationships affect just about everyone at one time or another.  Being in a high-conflict relationship is exhausting and leaves both partners feeling miserable and alone." 

How crazy of a thought right? "All relationships have conflict." Wooh...so I am not the only one who has conflicts with their spouse? This mindset may come naturally to some, or maybe many, but for me this was eye-opening.  I was relieved when I was told that we were normal and these small disagreements were normal if taken care of properly. I was able to take a step back and see that everyone goes through challenges no matter how 'perfect' their marriage looks. In fact in the textbook Marriage & Family The Quest for Intimacy it has some great insight on this topic. 

 ""Happily ever after," then, does not mean "with never a difference or disagreement." In fact, a little reflection shows how unrealistic it is to expect a conflict-free union.  Any sustained, close relationship has times of strain, disagreement, and argument.  Parents fight with their children. Close friends disagree and are hurt by each other.  People who work closely together on a daily basis find themselves getting frustrated and angry.  Why should you expect anything different in marriage?"

Why should we expect anything different from our own marriages? We can all have our happily ever after with our spouse still having our occasional conflicts. I realized that my husband is very different from me.  We don't think the same on a few things, and that's okay! Through a lot of praying, reading, and pondering, I understand that we don't have to agree on everything to have a happy successful marriage.  Howard W. Hunter said, "being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person". So in order for my husband and I to work towards having that happy and successful marriage, we both need to put forth a great deal of effort.  I can't just sit back and expect to have this magically perfect husband form right in front of my eyes and vise versa.  There is a wonderful quote by Elder F. Burton Howard that explains this perfectly. It says:

 "if you want something to last forever, you treat it differently, you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it.  You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary.  If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.  It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."

My husband and I are far from perfect, but I can tell you I want our marriage to last forever.  I treasure him and our marriage more than I thought possible.  I want to continue polishing our all our imperfections and we work to make it more beautiful and precious.  As we do so I will remain thankful that my marriage has conflict. 

Why am I here?

As I sit here staring at my laptop trying to figure out how to describe myself to possible readers somewhere in the world, I start to feel silly.  For you to understand why I feel this way it may help to know a little bit about me.  I am not a professional writer or even average by any means. I am just a Public Health major trying to finish up my last semester at Brigham Young University-Idaho. To fill up my schedule I took this class called Family Relations.  As part of the class, we are required to have a blog, for some this might be a dream class, for me though I would rather retake all my Anatomy, Physiology, and Chemistry classes again! In all seriousness, I am excited (maybe if I type it my brain will start to believe it) to share the principles I am learning in this class.