Oh no! We have Conflict!
How many of you believe or have believed that happily married couples don't have conflict? Maybe I am the only one raising my hand right now, but growing up I believed that. I would think "how could I argue with someone I love?" "How can I possibly be upset with someone I want to spend forever with?" This might sound a little (or maybe even very) naive...but these are thoughts (possibly even expectations) that I had about marriage. So when I got married this idea of "only happily married couples don't have conflict" hit me hard! Shortly after being married conflicts started to arise between my husband and I (surprise right?). Early on in the marriage, I started to feel like a failure as a wife. I would constantly think "we are newly married, this should be a blissful time with no conflicts" and "how could we possibly be a happily married couple if we were already encountering struggles?" These thoughts and self-doubts were causing more additional problems because of the unrealistic expectations that were being set. We were very fortunate to meet a very wise man who shared a book with us. At first, I was very hesitant to read the book because of the title. The book is called The High Conflict Couple, and we were not a high conflict couple. Once I realized nurturing my marriage was more important than what you would classify our relationship as I was able to dive into the book. And oh wow, let me tell you...this publication is something else (by this I mean amazing). In the foreword it says:
"No relationship has only smooth sailing. All relationships have conflict and an excess of negative emotion, so problems in intimate relationships affect just about everyone at one time or another. Being in a high-conflict relationship is exhausting and leaves both partners feeling miserable and alone."
How crazy of a thought right? "All relationships have conflict." Wooh...so I am not the only one who has conflicts with their spouse? This mindset may come naturally to some, or maybe many, but for me this was eye-opening. I was relieved when I was told that we were normal and these small disagreements were normal if taken care of properly. I was able to take a step back and see that everyone goes through challenges no matter how 'perfect' their marriage looks. In fact in the textbook Marriage & Family The Quest for Intimacy it has some great insight on this topic.
""Happily ever after," then, does not mean "with never a difference or disagreement." In fact, a little reflection shows how unrealistic it is to expect a conflict-free union. Any sustained, close relationship has times of strain, disagreement, and argument. Parents fight with their children. Close friends disagree and are hurt by each other. People who work closely together on a daily basis find themselves getting frustrated and angry. Why should you expect anything different in marriage?"
Why should we expect anything different from our own marriages? We can all have our happily ever after with our spouse still having our occasional conflicts. I realized that my husband is very different from me. We don't think the same on a few things, and that's okay! Through a lot of praying, reading, and pondering, I understand that we don't have to agree on everything to have a happy successful marriage. Howard W. Hunter said, "being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person". So in order for my husband and I to work towards having that happy and successful marriage, we both need to put forth a great deal of effort. I can't just sit back and expect to have this magically perfect husband form right in front of my eyes and vise versa. There is a wonderful quote by Elder F. Burton Howard that explains this perfectly. It says:
"if you want something to last forever, you treat it differently, you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."
My husband and I are far from perfect, but I can tell you I want our marriage to last forever. I treasure him and our marriage more than I thought possible. I want to continue polishing our all our imperfections and we work to make it more beautiful and precious. As we do so I will remain thankful that my marriage has conflict.
